Holding on to my sanity is a daily negotiation. /
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I’m usually good at stowing away depressing thoughts and feelings. I tell myself, You’re fine. Other people have worse problems. Suck it up. But
sometimes that isn’t enough. The feelings I try so hard to avoid seep
through the cracks, and I have to actually face what’s bothering me. Can
I just be a robot and not have to feel? That would be nice.Anyway, a huge blast of loneliness hit me right in the face today. I
was having a rough day, and then I realized how incredibly lonely I
feel, how lonely I’ve always felt. And I really don’t have anyone to
blame but myself for that because I distance myself from people. I let
people get to know me without really getting to know me. With
friends, I keep conversations superficial to avoid the nitty gritty
emotional stuff. Ask any of them. I’m bad with the emotional stuff. I
have so much trouble letting people in that you’d think I was severely
hurt before. The more I mull this over, the more I realize that the real problem
is my insecurities. I’m so insecure that I can’t even express myself
emotionally to my friends, let alone new people, without fearing what
they’ll think of me. I guess I need to learn to not care what everyone
else thinks and just be me. Wow, that was cliché. I wish I came up with
some profound revelation. Whatever, still true though.