Dearest Papa, /
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Dear Papa,
This
is probably the hardest letter for me to write. I have had so many
feelings over the years about you, about our relationship and what I
could have done to improve it and make you see me in a different light.
The fact that we've never been close has been the fault of both of us. I
never knew how to walk through the "invisible wall" you built between
us. I was afraid of you, and still am. How did you really feel when you
found out mom was pregnant? How did you feel when I wasn't a boy? I hate that we don’t have much of a relationship. It makes me sad that
you’ve never really been their for me. There are so many times where I
would have loved for you to give me advice and encouragement. I’ve
needed a male role model but you couldn’t be that for me. I feel like
you get so consumed in your own emotion you stop caring about
everything. I thought we could really be a family. Like those normal families that
eat dinner together and went on vacations together, those families
that are almost perfect and they always seem to be happy and smiling. I
thought you and mom would be together. I thought you’d never put your
hands on mom again, you’d never yell at mom again. Yet, you did. You
pushed her against walls and yelled at her over the stupidest things.I
know I've been a burden on you, and I'm sorry. I've tried to do the
best I could in everything I've attempted. I only wish you would have
taught me more. I've been starved for your attention. I always seemed to
get the negative type. I wanted to know things like: Did both of your
parents spend time with you? Did either of them help you with homework?
Did either help you get involved with extra activities? How did each one
discipline? Did one do most of the disciplining than the other? How
were you treated since you were the youngest son? Maybe if I had asked
these questions and received answers, they would have explained many
things. Why
did you abandon me? You could have given me a direction and a way to
walk through this life. Now I have wandered alone without knowing who I
am and where I belong to. You would have been a firm anchor, a big ship
safely towing me towards the open sea, teaching me to play and live,
then releasing me to my own journey. I
have forgiven you, but it does not recompense for the pain and sorrow.
Neither does it make good the sorrow we went through. When you left, you
could have no idea where it led. I am your daughter for GOD sake. You
know the saying:Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but names will
never hurt me"? Names DO HURT! Sometimes they hurt worse than someone
beating the crap out of you. I could hardly wait for the day I would
leave, never to return. At least I would have been liberated. A child's
home is supposed to be its sanctuary, a safe haven. That didn't happen
to me. Why was that? I thought as my father, you would protect me from
the bullies and idiots of my immediate world. I feel like you dropped
the ball in my case. What
has really hurt the most is that YOU haven't wanted to spend time with
me! So I guess that's the reason you walk away! Rereading this letter,
I've noticed that the tone is of a daughter pleading. It sounds like
someone begging for scraps. Scraps of what? If you don't want to have
any type of relationship with me, that's fine. The one thing I will
NEVER do is beg. I'm a human being, not a dog. I'm writing this through
tears of frustration, anger, confusion, and bewilderment. I know you
never show your emotions, but my sincerest hope for us is to open the
lines of communication someday! I know now more than ever that you’re not a father, you’re someone who
uses people to get what they want and then when they get what they want,
they leave that person, they don’t care what they’ve done to that
person, they don’t care how emotionally damaged that person becomes,
they don’t care about what that person feels or what happens to that
person after they’ve left. They just don’t. I could sit and tell you how
worthless, stupid, ignorant, and just plain mean you are but it wouldn’t
get through your thick skull. You wouldn’t change, it wouldn’t even
harm you. I’m ending this now because you’re
really not worth any of the time I spent writing this. I hate your
guts.
Sincerely,
your daughter.